I guess people take things differently. I am constantly being told that I am unapproachable by appearance. Even Faiz says the same. He said that at first, he thought that I look fierce. Now, he said I am just like a kitten (how dare he!).
But, that's not it. I get along with people. I am talkative by nature. I am extremely easy to approach and talk to. Today, I've found that all of my attempts trying to talk to people so that they soften up to me, like I do to them, are wasted. Again, I am stabbed in the back. So, yes. Moving forward, I'll just write then.
Its plain sad. I am rookie here at work. Surrounded by veterans that have been working here in the Ministry for years. I am trying to make an impression. I guess it wasn't a good one then.
I'll just shut up then now and will only answer when asked. I will no longer offer information or tell or anything it that line. Shutting.
Tuesday 25 February 2014
Monday 24 February 2014
home
Finally! I've managed to find a place to stay that's nearby my workplace. Hence, the move began! I'll post some of the pictures of the new place soon after I have made it suitable for humans. Boxes everywhere, unassembled furniture in their respective rooms. Bookshelves and books all scattered around. The only place that is decent is the master bedroom. The bedroom set is in and I am starting to fill up clothes in them and making a list of stuff to buy. Faiz is being a huge help. He tinkers around. Putting up the curtains and assembling the dinning table, the make shift TV bench, assembling the bookshelf for the kitchen and all.
I've found that being a home owner (a non-sharing one, that is), is a tough job. We brainstormed on the layout, what furniture to buy new and what can be bought second hand. What are the things we need in the kitchen, bedroom, office, store, guest room and baths. How big the furniture that we can buy so that it won't crowd the house. So, here are some tips:
This one is the LACK coffee table. We makeshift it into a TV Bench. But, ours is in white. The living area is painted blue (to much Faiz' chagrin, he hates the colour!)
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I've found that being a home owner (a non-sharing one, that is), is a tough job. We brainstormed on the layout, what furniture to buy new and what can be bought second hand. What are the things we need in the kitchen, bedroom, office, store, guest room and baths. How big the furniture that we can buy so that it won't crowd the house. So, here are some tips:
- Measure your space! - this is very important. We do not want any furniture to be too big or too small. Try to minimize purchasing bulky ones especially if you are staying in a minuscule apartment like me.
- Always make a list of stuff you need. - This is also the opportunity for you to get rid of stuff that you don't need. Make sure you make a list of what and where to find them. A price estimation would be most helpful in helping you plan your finances.
- Scour thrift stores, discounts shops - you will be amazed what treasures that you can unearth there. Knick-knacks like rattan baskets for your wardrobe organization, shelving for your storage.
- Prepare adequate water for hydration - learnt this the hard way. It was scorching hot!! I got dehydrated so easily and there is not enough water. The water filter is yet to be installed!!
- Have fun! - Its not everyday you move in a place albeit its small. Just have fun furnishing and decorating your place. Even if its not your own yet, who will know that one day, it might.
These are actually not related photos. My space is wayyyyyyyy much smaller. I am constantly on Pinterest, trying to find ideas on how to decorate my small apartment.
We had several pieces of furniture from IKEA (yeay!)
This one is the LACK coffee table. We makeshift it into a TV Bench. But, ours is in white. The living area is painted blue (to much Faiz' chagrin, he hates the colour!)
The dining table and stools are in white. I am thinking of putting decals to them. What you guys think?
Maybe something like this?
And, how about some wall art? The walls are bare and boring. Thinking of DIY-ing.
Cool, huh? Let's see if I can bully Faiz for these projects.:)
Monday 17 February 2014
Jealousy is a monster
A green monster hidden in every single one of us: jealousy.
Be it jealousy towards one's success, a guy that is dating someone else or just one's better life.
Jealousy because he is always on the phone. Because there is always an admirer that I need to compete or fend off. Texts from exes, admirers, friends, customers, etc. I just need to be patient and tackle this one at a time. That is what I keep telling myself. But, the problem is I can't pretend that I didn't see the text. I can't pretend that I am not bothered with what I've read. Because if I do, that just simply means that I have extremely low levels of dopamine to not experience any form of emotion. It hurts to read all those texts. I cried as my heart wavers a little. I held it in for a while before asking him.
As he explains, I just sat there in silence. What ever emotion that I held in, the thought of deceit, the thought of betrayal, runs through my mind. I fear that this one thing that is good in my life, too, turns out to be a lie.
Fear, he can sense it. He can see it in my eyes. He explains patiently every single time. He said he understands that we only got acquainted a short while for me to trust him completely. He tells the story slowly and measured my reaction every step of the way. Like a child, I blinked my tears. I was so scared of losing him and that what ever that people told me about him turns out to be true. Yes, I am that naive.
For 2 days in a row, I am faced with the same person's text. The same person that shook my heartstrings with her words. A pang of jealousy sears through my veins. All my head is saying: "what else does this b***h wants more??". Something that only a woman understands. He is mine. Don't mess with some one that is mine. That was when I saw his exasperated expression. "Not this again". I understand that he is tired of my tantrums. I kept my fingers crossed, hoping he will not grow tired of me.
Because, my dear. I am jealous because I cared too much. Because I love you too much. I am angry because I hate the fact that someone else is competing me for you, regardless what you say about you being mine. Bear in mind my dear, the moment I stopped all this, should be the moment you worry most. Because, then, to me, you would mean nothing.
Be it jealousy towards one's success, a guy that is dating someone else or just one's better life.
Jealousy because he is always on the phone. Because there is always an admirer that I need to compete or fend off. Texts from exes, admirers, friends, customers, etc. I just need to be patient and tackle this one at a time. That is what I keep telling myself. But, the problem is I can't pretend that I didn't see the text. I can't pretend that I am not bothered with what I've read. Because if I do, that just simply means that I have extremely low levels of dopamine to not experience any form of emotion. It hurts to read all those texts. I cried as my heart wavers a little. I held it in for a while before asking him.
As he explains, I just sat there in silence. What ever emotion that I held in, the thought of deceit, the thought of betrayal, runs through my mind. I fear that this one thing that is good in my life, too, turns out to be a lie.
Fear, he can sense it. He can see it in my eyes. He explains patiently every single time. He said he understands that we only got acquainted a short while for me to trust him completely. He tells the story slowly and measured my reaction every step of the way. Like a child, I blinked my tears. I was so scared of losing him and that what ever that people told me about him turns out to be true. Yes, I am that naive.
For 2 days in a row, I am faced with the same person's text. The same person that shook my heartstrings with her words. A pang of jealousy sears through my veins. All my head is saying: "what else does this b***h wants more??". Something that only a woman understands. He is mine. Don't mess with some one that is mine. That was when I saw his exasperated expression. "Not this again". I understand that he is tired of my tantrums. I kept my fingers crossed, hoping he will not grow tired of me.
Because, my dear. I am jealous because I cared too much. Because I love you too much. I am angry because I hate the fact that someone else is competing me for you, regardless what you say about you being mine. Bear in mind my dear, the moment I stopped all this, should be the moment you worry most. Because, then, to me, you would mean nothing.
Sunday 16 February 2014
Weekend Entry
Sometimes people's reactions towards a situation just baffles me. My mind is blown away reading people's text, people's comments on social media, tweets, and just hearing to their responses during conversations.
I understand rejection, I've experienced it. I understand disappointment, I've gone through it. I understand anger and frustration, I've gone through that. What baffles me is how we react towards these emotions and people's behaviors towards us. Some may take it cool. Some may take on it head-on. Some may respond to them in a way that is just plain different.
Yesterday, I had the privilege of reading through some texts that was send to Faiz. From one of his admirers, I think. It was full of swear words, anger, disappointment. I've read through and I wish to understand what this 21-year old is thinking. What drives her to say those words? What made her do the things she did and if I was any different when I handled the same
I understand te pain, the humiliation. But, I didn't reacted that way. Instead, I crawled into a ball and cried my heart out. I went running until my legs gave away. I sang to songs at the top of my lungs. I prayed harder so that I am given strength to forget the ordeal. I moved on. I went back to where I belonged. Of course there are times that I texted him asking for him to take me back. Begging would be the more accurate word. But,when I looked back, I am thankful that I am not by his side. I am better this way. But I did not sent any of those nasty texts. Even when he did say mean words about me in his blog. I did not retaliate. At least not in that way. I just simply moved on.
There are still fishes in the sea, starts in the sky.
I understand rejection, I've experienced it. I understand disappointment, I've gone through it. I understand anger and frustration, I've gone through that. What baffles me is how we react towards these emotions and people's behaviors towards us. Some may take it cool. Some may take on it head-on. Some may respond to them in a way that is just plain different.
Yesterday, I had the privilege of reading through some texts that was send to Faiz. From one of his admirers, I think. It was full of swear words, anger, disappointment. I've read through and I wish to understand what this 21-year old is thinking. What drives her to say those words? What made her do the things she did and if I was any different when I handled the same
I understand te pain, the humiliation. But, I didn't reacted that way. Instead, I crawled into a ball and cried my heart out. I went running until my legs gave away. I sang to songs at the top of my lungs. I prayed harder so that I am given strength to forget the ordeal. I moved on. I went back to where I belonged. Of course there are times that I texted him asking for him to take me back. Begging would be the more accurate word. But,when I looked back, I am thankful that I am not by his side. I am better this way. But I did not sent any of those nasty texts. Even when he did say mean words about me in his blog. I did not retaliate. At least not in that way. I just simply moved on.
There are still fishes in the sea, starts in the sky.
Thursday 13 February 2014
More than just a movie.
We watch movies often. The smell of the caramel from the concession, hotdogs steaming in their buns, bundled up in shawls and sweaters, couples holding each other tight. But, is just a movie, a movie?
I have watched countless movies. When I was doing my diploma, I've dated a guy where we watched movies at least 4 times a week. That means in a year, I have watched more than 200 in a year. I was with him for 2 years. Over 400 movies watched. Some that are so good, we watched multiple times. Then it was with an aviation student. Again, a movie every time we meet. I was with him for almost a year. Almost 40 movies. Then with the recent ex. Not a movie person. Cumulatively, I've only watched less than 20 movies with him through out our 5-year relationship. So on, so forth.
So, is a movie, just a movie?
No. It is not. I remember most of the movies I've watched, what happened on that day, what we had, the conversation we had. I know, it sucks remembering details like that when you are no longer with that person. Movies, to me, is a hobby. I love watching movies. Not necessary at the cinema. I enjoy them at home, too. That's why I've subscribed the movie package on cable.
Each movie is like a book. A story to tell and how we relate that story with our lives. I've watched Iron Man 3 alone and cried. I've watched many movies alone and still feeling pitiful to myself. I let that happen to me. I did not stop it. It was a pathetic sight. A girl watching an early show, alone. I did not even escape the bubble. It was, again, my fault. I always let my heart win when I know it is more sensible to let my brain wins at times like that.
Now, again, I am attached. This time I just decide to enjoy the moment. Gone were the expectations. Gone were the fears. I have left every emotional baggage at the doorstep when I stepped into this new relationship. It started again, with an easy text. Eye contact and awkward smiles. I remember the moment he first held my hand. But, that's not it. It is how he makes me feel I can be me again. He let me read. He smiles at my laughs or funny expressions. He watches me eat. He let me ran around. He let me be a kid again. He lets me be free.
This stub, for example. A movie that we wanted to see badly. Bought early but still we almost missed it. We ran to the cinema from the lot. We race through the mall, ignoring stares. Panting, I almost tripped in the dark hall. The movie? It was so-so. The company and experience I had, PRICELESS.
To me, a movie is not just a movie. It always has a story to tell.
I have watched countless movies. When I was doing my diploma, I've dated a guy where we watched movies at least 4 times a week. That means in a year, I have watched more than 200 in a year. I was with him for 2 years. Over 400 movies watched. Some that are so good, we watched multiple times. Then it was with an aviation student. Again, a movie every time we meet. I was with him for almost a year. Almost 40 movies. Then with the recent ex. Not a movie person. Cumulatively, I've only watched less than 20 movies with him through out our 5-year relationship. So on, so forth.
So, is a movie, just a movie?
No. It is not. I remember most of the movies I've watched, what happened on that day, what we had, the conversation we had. I know, it sucks remembering details like that when you are no longer with that person. Movies, to me, is a hobby. I love watching movies. Not necessary at the cinema. I enjoy them at home, too. That's why I've subscribed the movie package on cable.
Each movie is like a book. A story to tell and how we relate that story with our lives. I've watched Iron Man 3 alone and cried. I've watched many movies alone and still feeling pitiful to myself. I let that happen to me. I did not stop it. It was a pathetic sight. A girl watching an early show, alone. I did not even escape the bubble. It was, again, my fault. I always let my heart win when I know it is more sensible to let my brain wins at times like that.
Now, again, I am attached. This time I just decide to enjoy the moment. Gone were the expectations. Gone were the fears. I have left every emotional baggage at the doorstep when I stepped into this new relationship. It started again, with an easy text. Eye contact and awkward smiles. I remember the moment he first held my hand. But, that's not it. It is how he makes me feel I can be me again. He let me read. He smiles at my laughs or funny expressions. He watches me eat. He let me ran around. He let me be a kid again. He lets me be free.
This stub, for example. A movie that we wanted to see badly. Bought early but still we almost missed it. We ran to the cinema from the lot. We race through the mall, ignoring stares. Panting, I almost tripped in the dark hall. The movie? It was so-so. The company and experience I had, PRICELESS.
To me, a movie is not just a movie. It always has a story to tell.
Wednesday 12 February 2014
Fiction vs Non-Fiction
They say that I have come to an age where I should devour more non-fiction rather than loosing myself in my favourite fiction paperbacks. I said no. I mean, I do read non-fiction occasionally. Self-help, motivation books. I do purchase them from time to time.
But, I am a strong believer that the world that we live in is a huge non-fiction book. Life is non-fiction. Decisions are non-fiction. No self-help or motivational books can help you learn what you experience in real life. Of course, these books are written by experts. I have no doubt, through their sharing, we can learn a thing or two. But, isn't this our life? Don't you think that we should live life the way we deem fit?
Fiction is, as it is, fiction. Its not real. But, at times, it provides solace. It provides an escape from life. In fiction, normally, everyone has a happy ending. The plots are just so mesmerizing that you can't help but wish that those things happen in real life. Well, some of us do live in a fairy tale. But, don't we all want that smashing job, wear designer labels and have that Ivy League degree?
Often at times, I escape to Narnia, Wonderland. The realm of unrealness. Aslan is a metaphor of courage and wisdom. Alice learns that dreams, too, can come true. Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray taught me that all of us have this "evil" side in us. There are many hidden messages in fiction that we just fail to see. Especially in children's books.
So, what's your pick: fiction or non-fiction?
"We have nothing, but believe - Repicheep, Prince Caspian"
But, I am a strong believer that the world that we live in is a huge non-fiction book. Life is non-fiction. Decisions are non-fiction. No self-help or motivational books can help you learn what you experience in real life. Of course, these books are written by experts. I have no doubt, through their sharing, we can learn a thing or two. But, isn't this our life? Don't you think that we should live life the way we deem fit?
Fiction is, as it is, fiction. Its not real. But, at times, it provides solace. It provides an escape from life. In fiction, normally, everyone has a happy ending. The plots are just so mesmerizing that you can't help but wish that those things happen in real life. Well, some of us do live in a fairy tale. But, don't we all want that smashing job, wear designer labels and have that Ivy League degree?
Often at times, I escape to Narnia, Wonderland. The realm of unrealness. Aslan is a metaphor of courage and wisdom. Alice learns that dreams, too, can come true. Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray taught me that all of us have this "evil" side in us. There are many hidden messages in fiction that we just fail to see. Especially in children's books.
So, what's your pick: fiction or non-fiction?
"We have nothing, but believe - Repicheep, Prince Caspian"
Tuesday 11 February 2014
Potluck dinner, cats and babies
Weekend posting. A little delayed.
Had a small gathering among my school friends last Saturday. We had a potluck dinner with loads of food and drinks. The spread consists of Mee Bandung Muar, Lontong, Roti John, watermelons, Ribena Lychee, satay (awesome!) and so many more. Watched couple of movies and there were babies!
Aimi's son, Akif and Ida's Nuha was around. Chubbiness overload. Kisses and smiles are all over. The cats are having so much fun as well. Faiz was all smiles seeing my friends and the babies. He responded well. Am so proud of him (I know I sound like a soccer mom, but, he's my boyfriend, of course I want approval from my friends).
So, we had fun. We were stuffed and all sweaty from chasing Nuha from the cats and furniture. She is one active girl. Akif is a handful (literally). He's just so happy. Smiling appropriately with all the attention the aunties and uncles are giving.
We watched 2 movies (Stoker and Dredd) before changing to How I Met Your Mother, which was great.
All in all, it was great catching up with friends.
Had a small gathering among my school friends last Saturday. We had a potluck dinner with loads of food and drinks. The spread consists of Mee Bandung Muar, Lontong, Roti John, watermelons, Ribena Lychee, satay (awesome!) and so many more. Watched couple of movies and there were babies!
Aimi's son, Akif and Ida's Nuha was around. Chubbiness overload. Kisses and smiles are all over. The cats are having so much fun as well. Faiz was all smiles seeing my friends and the babies. He responded well. Am so proud of him (I know I sound like a soccer mom, but, he's my boyfriend, of course I want approval from my friends).
So, we had fun. We were stuffed and all sweaty from chasing Nuha from the cats and furniture. She is one active girl. Akif is a handful (literally). He's just so happy. Smiling appropriately with all the attention the aunties and uncles are giving.
We watched 2 movies (Stoker and Dredd) before changing to How I Met Your Mother, which was great.
All in all, it was great catching up with friends.
Friday 7 February 2014
Heartbreak or giving your heart a break?
Scrolling through my Twitter timeline, when a friend of mine ping-ed me in Messenger, asking me to scroll my ex's tweets.
As I read through, I find it both annoying and sad. All he ever talked about in Twitter is me, me, me and the occasional tweet about his bikes.
Too many disappointments, too many broken promises, too many heartbreaks. He makes me look like I am the cause of the break-up and that he was just a victim. There were no stories of the beatings, the threats, the long wait or the hurt that HE had caused. There were no stories of unemployment or me paying for almost everything. There were no stories of accidents or friendships with "bad eggs". There were just stories of how I just stop caring, how all this is caused by my attitude towards men around me and how I am clouded because of black magic. How I have chosen the wrong man to be with, that the man I am with now is just merely a boy and how he is just not as good looking.
I do not have the energy to explain to someone that is committed in believing that he is always right. I have nothing else to say to him nor to his friends. I do not wish to be friends nor be in contact with him any more. I am giving my heart a break. No more heartbreaks. I deserve to be happy, I deserve the fullest attention of the man that loved me and I should not have to fight for it.
Yes, I have doubts. I have reservations this time when it comes to the matter of the heart. Trust is earned, respect is given. He has lost every inch of my trust, respect and love. I have not talked about him. It brings memories. Bad ones and good ones. Both are bad for me.
I should stop being unhappy. I am living the moment. No one can take that away from me.
As I read through, I find it both annoying and sad. All he ever talked about in Twitter is me, me, me and the occasional tweet about his bikes.
Too many disappointments, too many broken promises, too many heartbreaks. He makes me look like I am the cause of the break-up and that he was just a victim. There were no stories of the beatings, the threats, the long wait or the hurt that HE had caused. There were no stories of unemployment or me paying for almost everything. There were no stories of accidents or friendships with "bad eggs". There were just stories of how I just stop caring, how all this is caused by my attitude towards men around me and how I am clouded because of black magic. How I have chosen the wrong man to be with, that the man I am with now is just merely a boy and how he is just not as good looking.
I do not have the energy to explain to someone that is committed in believing that he is always right. I have nothing else to say to him nor to his friends. I do not wish to be friends nor be in contact with him any more. I am giving my heart a break. No more heartbreaks. I deserve to be happy, I deserve the fullest attention of the man that loved me and I should not have to fight for it.
Yes, I have doubts. I have reservations this time when it comes to the matter of the heart. Trust is earned, respect is given. He has lost every inch of my trust, respect and love. I have not talked about him. It brings memories. Bad ones and good ones. Both are bad for me.
I should stop being unhappy. I am living the moment. No one can take that away from me.
Thursday 6 February 2014
House Hunting
New job. New partner. New life?
I just got a new job here in Putrajaya. I recently got attached to a guy 3 years my junior. I stopped caring what people have to say about me. They are, after all, entitled to their own opinion.
Here's the pain: commuting. I have to travel 74 km every single day to get to work. I am to spend, an average of MYR 500 every single month. This, of course, do not include food, car loan, housing, car maintenance, etc. One conclusion: I need to move somewhere nearer.
So, the house hunting starts!
It is not easy!! I have been looking at houses for weeks and have yet to find a place that I can call a home. House A, dirty. House B, looks can be deceiving. The first outlook was impressive but once you step in, OMG! Its a pigsty! Fell in love with house C, looks homey, great neighbourhood. Called the owner, its taken. :(
Still hunting. Am really considering of giving up.
I just got a new job here in Putrajaya. I recently got attached to a guy 3 years my junior. I stopped caring what people have to say about me. They are, after all, entitled to their own opinion.
Here's the pain: commuting. I have to travel 74 km every single day to get to work. I am to spend, an average of MYR 500 every single month. This, of course, do not include food, car loan, housing, car maintenance, etc. One conclusion: I need to move somewhere nearer.
So, the house hunting starts!
It is not easy!! I have been looking at houses for weeks and have yet to find a place that I can call a home. House A, dirty. House B, looks can be deceiving. The first outlook was impressive but once you step in, OMG! Its a pigsty! Fell in love with house C, looks homey, great neighbourhood. Called the owner, its taken. :(
Still hunting. Am really considering of giving up.
Wednesday 5 February 2014
Best view with the best company
Went to Bukit Ampang couple of days back during the CNY break. The sight was breathtaking. We can see the whole of KL from up there. I went there for the first time after some years and this time I went there with Faiz. We had dinner and went thrift store shopping afterwards.
There are many small food stalls there but I won't recommend any. We had steamboat and "otak-otak" but the sauce is watery and the otak-otak is undercooked. The food are overpriced. But, yes. The sight is awesome. The company was great, too.
We went to this "bundle" (thrift stores) that was really 'so-so' at the beginning but once we dig in more, there are actually pretty rare and vintage jeans and boots (read: Doc Marts!!). I fell in love with a pair of navy DMs and its dead cheap. It took every inch of my self control not to buy them Faiz is having a hard time deciding between a pair of Ferragamos and LVs. I secretly thinks he will take both.
Since it was still early and Faiz is in the mood in bargain-hunting, we scoured several more thrift stores for really nice pair of jeans and shoes. We went to Uptown Shah Alam, there's this stall (small shop) that have all this really nice jeans and they look like new. I was afraid to even asked the price. Faiz just laugh along.
So, a day well spent.
There are many small food stalls there but I won't recommend any. We had steamboat and "otak-otak" but the sauce is watery and the otak-otak is undercooked. The food are overpriced. But, yes. The sight is awesome. The company was great, too.
We went to this "bundle" (thrift stores) that was really 'so-so' at the beginning but once we dig in more, there are actually pretty rare and vintage jeans and boots (read: Doc Marts!!). I fell in love with a pair of navy DMs and its dead cheap. It took every inch of my self control not to buy them Faiz is having a hard time deciding between a pair of Ferragamos and LVs. I secretly thinks he will take both.
Since it was still early and Faiz is in the mood in bargain-hunting, we scoured several more thrift stores for really nice pair of jeans and shoes. We went to Uptown Shah Alam, there's this stall (small shop) that have all this really nice jeans and they look like new. I was afraid to even asked the price. Faiz just laugh along.
So, a day well spent.
The story of David and Goliath
I believe many have heard this story. The story of the giant, Goliath and the small yet smart David.
David was a fighter, a smart one while Goliath is the huge giant. This story to me can be applied to real life. How bullies (usually big ones or they tend to be in groups) treat their peers and how these people who are being pushed around (usually the ones who looks week or newbies) respond to the bullies.
Quoting an article I've read in MyStarJob:
"Average is a choice. And average leads giants to crumble. According to Malcolm Gladwell, the giant Goliath was fearsome not because he was a great fighter but simply because of his size. In fact, Gladwell goes on to claim that Goliath may have been partially blind. He was an average fighter who got away with victory because he was a giant. Along comes a “David”, who is a better fighter and also changes the rules of fighting by using a sling instead of a sword. An average Goliath stood no chance against a great fighter who is smart (yet small)."
I know what is it like to be bullied and what is like to bully people who have less than me. As I grew, I understand that bullying is just a coward's way in making people to take them seriously. Or it is just a way of saying, "You are better than me and that I see you as a threat. So, I must push you down before you throw me down". I have met mediocre leaders who hid behind their groups, who bullies their own people, who are unjust when it comes to predicaments.
A leader is not born but nurtured. An average person can be cultivated into a great leader after he went through challenges, obstacles and how he rise to the occasion and how he handle failures. Those that learnt from those challenges can be great leaders.
"Average people are governed by fear, but convince themselves it’s prudence.
David was a fighter, a smart one while Goliath is the huge giant. This story to me can be applied to real life. How bullies (usually big ones or they tend to be in groups) treat their peers and how these people who are being pushed around (usually the ones who looks week or newbies) respond to the bullies.
Quoting an article I've read in MyStarJob:
"Average is a choice. And average leads giants to crumble. According to Malcolm Gladwell, the giant Goliath was fearsome not because he was a great fighter but simply because of his size. In fact, Gladwell goes on to claim that Goliath may have been partially blind. He was an average fighter who got away with victory because he was a giant. Along comes a “David”, who is a better fighter and also changes the rules of fighting by using a sling instead of a sword. An average Goliath stood no chance against a great fighter who is smart (yet small)."
I know what is it like to be bullied and what is like to bully people who have less than me. As I grew, I understand that bullying is just a coward's way in making people to take them seriously. Or it is just a way of saying, "You are better than me and that I see you as a threat. So, I must push you down before you throw me down". I have met mediocre leaders who hid behind their groups, who bullies their own people, who are unjust when it comes to predicaments.
A leader is not born but nurtured. An average person can be cultivated into a great leader after he went through challenges, obstacles and how he rise to the occasion and how he handle failures. Those that learnt from those challenges can be great leaders.
"Average people are governed by fear, but convince themselves it’s prudence.
Average finds comfort in standing for absolutely nothing in order to evade any possible attack.
Average is scared to death of remarkable misfits, like you and I.
Average never leads. And most importantly, average is just average and nobody will ever remember it.”
Unsaid words
Before you read on, bear in mind that these are my ramblings. They are not necessarily true.
As I held his face in my palm, my heart quivers. All the words I wished I could say, all the heartfelt words that I held in me.
These are those words:
"I love you. And I wished that all the words I heard from you are true as I do not know. As I held you, I wished for a thousand wishes but none like this. I hope that you will hear and read these words for I will never speak of them to anyone. Not to you, even not to myself. Dearest love, I've wished that you will be my last love. That one day, I can call you mine. Truly mine. That there will be no one who will held my hand and be the reason behind my every smile, every laugh and behind every touch. If all of this is just a lie, all I wish for is, please pretend awhile longer. Please wait for me to gain my composure. Please wait for me to be fully up again before you walk away. What ever that others can do, can never compare to what you can and may do: you can leave me. Like many others who promised. You can walk away and leave me broken and hurt, just like others.
My dear, there are no words that I can say everytime I see you soundly asleep. As I see you smile, I prayed hard that I am the reason behind that smile and that I will always be the only reason. As i felt your hand encircle my waist, I thought hard, how long will this remain until your attention is diverted elsewhere? How long will this bliss remain intact before we fell apart. Fear, my love, has been a close feiend of mine since I have you.
Please stay. I'll do what ever it takes. Please stay. Because if you go, I don't know if I ever can get up again with a void in my heart and that constant pain as if someone just punched me in the gut. Please stay my dearest."
Tuesday 4 February 2014
Smile :)
I put up this photo in my Instagram account on the day that I find that smiling is just the hardest thing to do. It was on my dad's birthday. Looking back at the time, it has been 10 years. 10 long years. And every year I would look at this day as a taboo. As if the pain will never go. The wound still bleeds and yes, the hurt lingers.
I have been stabbed in the back by a friend who doesn't even bother finding out of the truth about the stories he's been hearing. He treats me as if a mere fragment of his shallow imagination where I am so near that even a text will be suffice. I have been told off by my someone I cared most as if I am nothing but a nuisance to her.
That day I come home wondering if I disappeared, would anyone cared? Or would they cared less? Is there anyone out there that cares about me like I cared about them?
10 years, I have been hiding behind that smile. Behind that smile, lies a story of hurt, betrayal and most important, of loneliness. I always tell myself that it is OK and that everything will be fine, if not now, later. I have hid very well behind that smile that one day, it just came to me that even I, do not know if my smile is genuine or is it part of me trying to mask what I truly felt?
I am the "OK Jess" , a persona that I have shaped myself into. There is no longer space in me, my heart in that matter, to even feel what is it like to have everything. I learnt to give, not because I have everything. But, because I know what is it like to have nothing. So, yes. Smile, even when that's the hardest thing to do. Let no one know your fears, let no one see your flaws and use it against you. Live life according to your own terms, never some else's. Just be you and you will just fine.
Terengganu Trip
We went on a short recharge trip to Terengganu some time in January. I wanted to see clear skies, blue waters and feel the wind in my hair. So, he took me to his hometown. The first for both of us. That was our first time going to the seaside with a significant other and just the two of us. Since we went there on a Sunday, which is a working day, we have the beach to ourselves. Clear waters. Just perfect. The sun, sea, and the right company.
A post since forever.
A post since forever.
There are times when all I want to do is just lie down in bed and catch up with a good book and awesome music. Lately, I just noticed that I still want to do the same but more settled. I start to want a partner in crime when it comes to shopping, thrift store huntings and nature exploring. I start wanting a partner when I start my quest in food and bargain-hunting. In short, I yearn to have a significant other.
After so many failed relationships, I start to evaluate what is it that I actually want in life. Do I really need to be attached to be happy or do my happiness depends on others? The answer is no. I start to be more comfortable in being alone. Doing my daily chores like grocery shopping, house cleaning and even wool-gathering, alone. That, scares me. I am completely at home without the hustle and bustle of company. I tend to void events or invites to gatherings or weddings. I start to feel that people are such a nuisance. Scary, right?
But, actually no. It is not like that. Nowadays, I just tend to chose my company more selectively. I only choose to be around people who are more positive on their take on life. Not the people who condemn people simply because that person is different. I shy away from people who steps on people to get up, who stabs friends when they are no longer useful or family that are just for family sake. I do understand that blood is indeed thicker than water. But, some family members are just not meant to be a significant person in our lives. Yes, that indeed sounds cruel. I am just plain tired to entertain too many dictations of how my life evolves around them and how my every move effects them when they don't.
So, plain and simple. I do yearn for company. I am a tad bit lonely. I have been living on my own for almost 10 years now. After so many failed relationships and forced interactions, I just felt that I am better off alone. Only that I am more selective now. I am starting to appreciate "me" time more than I used to. I start to love doing things on my own. I started to learn how to take care of my car and myself better now. I am getting a pet. I am moving house soon and I am hoping that all this will equal to a better me and a better environment for me to grow.
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