Jealousy is a monster

A green monster hidden in every single one of us: jealousy.

Be it jealousy towards one's success, a guy that is dating someone else or just one's better life.

Jealousy because he is always on the phone. Because there is always an admirer that I need to compete or fend off. Texts from exes, admirers, friends, customers, etc. I just need to be patient and tackle this one at a time. That is what I keep telling myself. But, the problem is I can't pretend that I didn't see the text. I can't pretend that I am not bothered with what I've read. Because if I do, that just simply means that I have extremely low levels of dopamine to not experience any form of emotion. It hurts to read all those texts. I cried as my heart wavers a little. I held it in for a while before asking him.

As he explains, I just sat there in silence. What ever emotion that I held in, the thought of deceit, the thought of betrayal, runs through my mind. I fear that this one thing that is good in my life, too, turns out to be a lie.

Fear, he can sense it. He can see it in my eyes. He explains patiently every single time. He said he understands that we only got acquainted a short while for me to trust him completely. He tells the story slowly and measured my reaction every step of the way. Like a child, I blinked my tears. I was so scared of losing him and that what ever that people told me about him turns out to be true. Yes, I am that naive.

For 2 days in a row, I am faced with the same person's text. The same person that shook my heartstrings with her words. A pang of jealousy sears through my veins. All my head is saying: "what else does this b***h wants more??". Something that only a woman understands. He is mine. Don't mess with some one that is mine. That was when I saw his exasperated expression. "Not this again". I understand that he is tired of my tantrums. I kept my fingers crossed, hoping he will not grow tired of me.

Because, my dear. I am jealous because I cared too much. Because I love you too much. I am angry because I hate the fact that someone else is  competing me for you, regardless what you say about you being mine. Bear in mind my dear, the moment I stopped all this, should be the moment you worry most. Because, then, to me, you would mean nothing.